Concerns on Best Home School Curriculum

When I was in 3rd and 4th grade, I had trouble completing my work. Since I got excellent grades on the work I did complete, my elementary school had a meeting with my parents, suggested that the work was so easy for me that I was getting bored easily, and tested me for advanced placement into what was then called the “gifted program”. It was determined that I had a high IQ and was capable of excelling with an advanced curriculum. As a result of this test, I was “skipped” ahead to the 5th grade and placed in a class that did more advanced work than the other classes. While my mother would argue with this, I believe that although it was well-intentioned, it was a setup for me to fail miserably. Yes, I continued to do extremely well on the assignments I was able to complete, but the trouble was that finished assignments were few and far between. The school professionals kept telling my parents that I just needed to stop being so social and show interest in my work, and that I was extremely advanced. The teachers and my parents apparently thought they had a disinterested genius on their hands, and everyone was frustrated at me for not taking my “gift” seriously. Well, I’m smart, I admit that. But the only “gift” I had was more of a curse. It wasnt until high school that, after consistently getting into trouble and finally being demoted back to standard classes, a guidance counselor referred me to a psychiatrist that said I was rife with symptoms of ADD and depression. By this time, my father had passed away, and my mother was so deeply depressed that I was sent to live with various family members and foster homes, and somehow this psychiatrist’s diagnoses were never taken seriously, and when they were, it was the depression that everyone could agree on. I was given anti-depressants, which I hated, and eventually I dropped out of school, got into minor skirmishes with the law, experimented with heavy drugs, and finally straightened up enough to hold down a series of jobs and struggle through college, switching majors frequently and dreaming up brilliant ideas for assignments which never actually got done. I managed to exist until I finally met and married a wonderful man and had a beautiful daughter. Well, im 28 now, and a few months ago, after nearly 5 years of observing and tolerating my inattentiveness, inexplicable irritability, inability to motivate myself to finish anything, constant bouncing from project to project and tendency to “tune out” and hyper-focus, my husband told me that I’m a great mother to our daughter, but asked “Don’t you want to be the absolute best you can be’” I agreed to see a doctor.
Well, my doctor said he had a good guess as to what’s going on with me, but said he wanted me to see a psychiatrist he works with to be sure. Within 5 minutes, the psychiatrist said I seem to have all the symptoms of severe ADD (not ADHD, mind you, since actually adults rarely have ADHD…Adult ADHD is almost always actually ADD, hold the ‘H’, according to my doctor and the renowned specialist she told me about.) Then she had me hook up to this machine/computer, which is called the Quotient ADHD Test. From this 20 minute test (in which you stare at a screen and it gauges your reactions to hitting a button when you see a certain star and reads your head and leg movement and response time, etc…super weird) she was able to deduce that I have moderate to severe ADD, with a Hyperfocus subtype, whatever that means. She gave me an EKG and told me she wanted to start me on 30 mg twice a day of Adderall. I asked her if that was the smallest dose, and she said no, so I asked if I could have a smaller dose, since I hate medications. She said she truly believed I needed to start on AT LEAST 20 mg of the instant release twice a day, but told me that I could start by breaking the pills in half and taking a half twice a day for the first few days. Well, I filled the prescription 3 days ago, and as of yet, I have not taken a single pill. The problem is that I am terrified of anything that makes my heart race or makes me feel wacked out. As I mentioned, embarrassingly, I experimented with almost any drug you can name when I was younger, and I always hated uppers. Cocaine felt great the first few times, and the last few times gave me panic attacks so bad that I went to the ER. I have two cousins on Adderall, and they say I’ll be fine, especially because I have a Xanax prescription to take as needed for panic. But I’m very sensitive to medication, which is probably why I didn’t continue doing drugs when I was younger. I have had days where I’ve had too much strong coffee and I’ve freaked out because I hated the feeling. My family is urging me to take the medication, but I’m so scared to. Any helpful advice or experiences’
Sorry for the length of this….